We've absolutely forbidden our children to "go before us." I pray that works better than, "How about keeping your room a little neater?"
I always thought I was in pretty good shape until I saw Charleton Heston in "Ben Hur." At that point, I pumped a lot more iron and then wondered how Arnold Schwarzenegger got such huge arms. So, I committed myself to much more time in the gym... Until I saw Sylvester Stallone -- at 62 -- in the latest
"Rambo" movie. Now I just sit back, eat more Oreos and wonder why Dom DeLuise had to die so young.
As I've gotten older, I've noticed that going from "The Corner of Happy and Healthy," to "The intersection of hernias and heart disease" can take far less time than you might think.
I always considered "skinny dipping" quite exciting. I find "Chubby dipping" less so.
You're living the good life if you can say, "Put that on my tab," to your pharmacist, veterinarian and chiropractor.
"Dear God, You wanna mess with my hips? Fine. You wanna make my hands and feet gnarl up? Have at it. You wanna limit my wardrobe to "Plus-sizes?" Be my guest. And You wanna make bowel movements the highlight of my day? Knock Yourself out. But, please, don't decide to 'Bring me Home,' when I'm right in the middle of a good book. Amen."
Hold on... Wait a second... Sex? Sex? Remind me again.
"You know what, Ethyl? If we have any hope of enjoying a nice, quiet dinner and getting back home before 5, we need to get a move on."
As we get older it's quite common for our taste buds to form a union and walk a picket line around our mouth.
Last week, my dear friend Mildred and I were relaxing in rocking chairs out on the patio . We were sharing a cup of tea and a few cookies, when she turned to me and said, "You know what, Agnes? You and I have so much in common. And even though we didn't know each other before moving here to the nursing home, I just feel like we're old friends." "Mildred," I replied, "I feel the exact same way. Why, remember just last week when we were setting at that very table right over there, looking at each other's family albums, when both of us turned to the other and said, "So... When's the last time
you even saw the mother fuckers?"
"By God, young man, when my Herb was alive, he'd a' stood right there and let you know exactly what it felt like to kick his butt."
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, "Shouldn't a wrinkle count for something?"
"Gretta, when was the last time Frank had an Honest-to-God, non-drug provoked erection?" "Oh, my," Gretta ponders, "Well, let me think a minute. He's been gone 14 years, so figuring back from then... Golly, I don't know. I guess it's been a while. Why?"
"I'm serious, Frank. That's my system. Whenever Esther from Assisted Living 314 comes down to breakfast without a bra, I immediately tell my broker to 'sell everything short.'"
Fred used to say to me, "Helen, you are so wonderful, and it means the world to me." Now he says, "Helen, you're standing on my oxygen hose, and it means the world to me."
"Charlie, darling, I'll be honest with you. No. I have absolutely no idea why it's happened. Yes, I know you're frustrated. All right. I tell you what. Try this. Try pulling your scrotum way up high and see if there's an expiration date."
"Yes, Mildred, of course I've met the new gentleman on the second floor. And while I agree he looks good, let me assure you, he's no autumn chicken."
How about that?