life -- once considered to be of vital importance – seem to steadily diminish in value. Your concerns of the past become your courage for the future. Smile lines become wrinkles and your sex drive becomes a quiet stroll down memory lane. The worry of getting your driver’s license becomes your worry of keeping it. Having the latest sunglasses becomes an eye chart that reads, “Buy the cheapest pair cuz’ you’re just gonna lose ‘em.”
Let’s take an example. There was a time when buying a laundry soap because it ensured “Whiter whites,” was just common sense. “I mean, please. I have a nice tan and whiter whites help show it off.” And now? Now if I could save a few bucks on a product that offered “Fifty Shades of Gray,” I’d throw it in the cart and move on to the stool softeners.
I remember a time when I’d pick up my date, and know – just know -- that “B.T.” was out of the question. But… That did NOT stop me from believing a “soft nudge to the covered wagons” was still a possibility, albeit slim. And now? Now I wonder if our grandson is troubled by these same visions.
Speaking of sex… Last Monday, I went on-line and ordered a penis enlarger, which included free overnight shipping. So, on Tuesday the mailman brought me a plain brown envelope and, excitedly, I rushed into the house, tore open the package and shook out one Viagra and a magnifying glass. After about six hours, I got back online and placed a re-order, which qualified for a 20% discount.
I’ve started telling my wife, “You know the old saying, ‘If you worked half as hard getting the job done as you do moaning and trying to get out of it, you'd be finished by now.’ Well, that's how I’ve come to feel about orgasms.”
There was a time when I would expect sympathy by telling someone, “You know what? Try walking a mile in my Foot Joys.” And now… Now I wear orthotic slippers and hope my bunions don’t flare up.
I used to consider myself quite knowledgeable of fine wine and felt my palate bordered on “exceptional.” And now… Now I’ve discovered the “legs” on my wineglass have varicose veins and the “nose” has a good deal of capillary damage. I used to sniff a cork and say things like, “U-m-m-m… It’s toasty, refined and earthy on the tongue, with a slight barnyard aftertaste.” Now I twist off the top, hope it’s not “chunky” and yet “pairs well” with Weight Watchers chicken casserole. At this point, I ignore the label and look for the bright yellow “On Sale” tags taped to the shelf. And you know what? I still enjoy an elderly, fixed-income buzz.
There was a time when being told to, "Take this and put it where the sun don't shine,” would bother me. Now… Now I simply take it in stride because I’m already in Michigan.
There was a time when my Ouija board spelled out, “You are hung like a mule,” and “Chicks really dig you.” And now… Now my arthritic fingers have developed a stutter and Ouija tells me, “F-f-f-f-ind a g-g-g-ood b-b-b-ook.”
Two weeks ago I was digging around in my pocket for some change and our granddaughter said, “Grandpa, you need to go potty?”
One often hears the phrase, “Do not fear. God has a plan.” And yet, at the same time, I sometimes think, “I believe God does. I’m just not sure I’m in it.”
I’ll give you an example. The other night I knelt by the bed to say my prayers, and right after I said, “Dear God,” I distinctly heard a voice say, “This prayer may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes.” Shaken a bit, I immediately deleted any image of a Ferrari and focused on world peace.
How about that?